Saturday, October 23, 2010

Time to play dumb.

A lady that I see around walked up to me some days ago and told me that she needed my advice. I was surprised because I really didn't think that she would want to confide in me. She had this 'air' about her like she had all she needed.And she could afford a counsellor or something if she needed any help. Bottom line: She came to me and I was in for more surprises.

Pam{not her real name} told me that her step-sister's husband was giving her the 'eye'. (Jeez! It was weird enough that she came to me for advice and this?!)

Her step-sister was a very religious person and didn't believe that her equally religious husband could kill an ant. The guy appeared so. They lived in peace and harmony. The woman was a school teacher and The man worked in a bank.They had two beautiful boys. Pam had to stay at her step-sister's home every weekend to attend school because it was closer. The man would give her money, smile suggestively at her and throw compliments at her like it was going out of fashion when his wife wasn't within an ear shot. So she didn't know if it was okay to tell her sister that her husband had a roving eye. She wanted to know what I thought.

I had one question for her.

Lily: Has this man ever told you in clear words that he would want an intimate relationship with you?

Pam: (raises an eyebrow) Are you kidding me? What does that have to do with anything?

Lily: Answer my question Pam.

Pam: No. No he hasn't yet.

Lily: Do you still want my advice?

Pam: Obviously.

Lily: I believe that you are an incredibly smart woman but my dear, it is time to play dumb.

People, we know that issues like this are very sensitive. One has to be very careful who he/she talks to about it which is why I think Pam chose me because I barely knew her and would probably never know the people involved. Yes, I said she should play dumb. It would be better for everyone if Pam acted like she didn't understand what the man had in mind.

I think the only time she should act is when the man uses WORDS to explain his motives. A lot of people are already dealing with issues of husbands going out with their wives's sisters. The man said the word, the stupid sister agreed and together, they defiled the matrimonial bed of a woman who is clueless about what was going on and trusted them both. Now that is a huge problem.

I believe since he is just smiling suggestively and telling her how hot she looked, she should just act like it didn't mean anything. And avoid him like a plague. And she shouldn't tell anyone just yet. What good would that do? It is always a lose/lose situation for everyone. Yes, the woman confronts her husband and most times it doesn't end well, they go their separate ways. Then she is given a medal? No. Things would never be the same. Especially between she and her sister so if she is going to go down that road, let her at least have something serious on her hands.

Besides the guy could deny it and ask the crucial question, "Did i ask you out?". The answer would be no of course which is the truth.

When discussions of adulterous men come up and he is in the room, she should express her disgust in colourful language about men that cheat on their wives and preach a little too. And make it clear that she would never date a married man and help him cheat on his wife. Then add some drama by telling him that she is grateful to God that men like him that feared God still existed.

Pam laughed and told me she was glad she talked to me. She agreed with me.

Now I want to know what you guys think. And don't hold anything back.

May you all have the wisdom to deal with all the situations you find yourselves in this crazy, crazy world.

Lily Johnson


  1. Hey Lily. You know my honest 2pence? The girl should warn him off next time he says anything untoward. 'Uncle, I would appreciate it if you dont talk, touch me like that again. I dont like it. it's not right and it makes me uncomfortable'.
    I've been in this situation before. Pretended it wasnt happening and had a miserable time of it. Till the day I took the bull by the horns and warned him off. Better than get into some real nasty situation.

  2. @Ginger: Hey Ginger. Thanks for the comment. You know he hasn't really said anything yet. Hasn't touched her either so I just feel she should wait till something more serious like the talking and may be touching happens before she acts.

  3. Well its obvious he wants something, but she shouldnt encourage it. My advise would be to move out if its gonna save the situation. She doesnt want the man to literarily come up to her before she takes an action.

    The exact same thing happened to me. The man even touched me. I decided to move back to my parents house. I didnt tell my step-sister anything. There wasnt any point. Now I am older and less vulnurable, he wont even dare try it now.

  4. Great advice, darling!
    I totally agree with you!


  5. I'm a little inclined to agree with Ginger here. If you tell someone (nicely) that they are making you uncomfortable, they will usually stop. The guy is probably just a harmless flirt, but if it makes the woman feel awkward, she should tell him it's making her uncomfortable.

  6. Dearest Lily,
    You are so very smart. Of course Pam can't say or do anything, because the husband is always right. It's a good thing she came to you for some straight talk.

  7. @Mamuje: Thanks for the comment and i see your point. This lady wanted to like tell HER SISTER that her husband was coming unto her. She wanted to do something and i only told her not to say anything until something serious happens. He hasn't even touched or said anything to her. If he had, i am sure she would have warned him off. And, yes getting out of there is a good option.

    @CC: Thanks dear

    @Linda: Thanks for the comment Mama. The point here is that she wants to tell someone other than the man; her sister.That was why she came to me. Besides, i also thought that the guy might be a harmless flirt. But she should be sure of what he is up to before she acts. Though i agree with telling him he is making her uncomfortable nicely.

    @Nutty J: Thanks for the comment. The word here is caution. I actually think Mamuje's action was wise. I would have done the same thing.

  8. Yeah she should stay dumb for the time, since he has not done or said anything, but i think she should also be on the look out for another place to stay before things get out of hand.

  9. @Lara: Thanks for the comment. I totally agree with you. She should look for another place to stay before things get crazy.

  10. The Human condition and intuition are usually the winners, or losers depending on the outcome, but I hope she moves out to avoid a very messy situation. Peace.

  11. @King of New York: Thanks for the comment. I agree with you. She should move out.

  12. @King of New York: Thanks for the comment. I agree with you. She should move out.

  13. Exactly my thoughts! you said it all!

    But, hope the gal ain't interested o & be pretending, & looking for a kind of support?..

    You see, she might like the 'chase' but afraid to do it because of what people would say, & if the guy finds her weakness which can be money, he would capitalize on it , & without really asking her out, there would be a telepathic message btw both.

    I say this because if a woman DON'T want a man, she KNOWS how to send him the message without minding words but if her interest is tickled a little, then she would be trying to find excuse to justify her action, hence her coming to you for the fact that you ain't close...such matters are usually confided in a best friend or as an anonymous in a relationship column.... chei you get?

    Is the man good looking & has the money to spend?....if yes, then watch out for season 2 of this drama..[i know, i don come with my trouble -shooting wahala again..*grinning*)

  14. Seriously, it happened to my father's tenant. Her younger sister complained to my cousin what the man was up to. He advised her, but this gal later succumbed because of the monetary gain & aborted a pregnancy for him, but they were later caught red-handed by the wife & the gal was sent packing & the couples moved out because of the shame.

    Likewise, my 3rd cousin had to help her friend's sister from her brother-in-law. The friend traveled abroad for a year course & the hubby who is a pastor was harassing the sister who was there to help take care of the kids. This gal had to cry out to my cousin,& said she wanted to move out...but who would look after the kids & what reason would she give her parents? so my cousin took it upon herself to be spending several nights with them until the guy got the message & he stopped before my cousin got a job in Lagos.
    So just have to be careful...THE BALL IS IN HER COURT....HOW SHE PLAYS IT DEPENDS ON HER.

  15. you handled that very well - what baffles me is why was he giving Pam money??? I think by accepting it she may get herself into a bad situation where he eventually "expects" something in return or I am reading too much into this :D

  16. Interesting stuff. I quite agree with you. It's possible that the man may just be naturally flirtatious (but he should know where to draw the line...He's not a child).

    I guess until he explicitly states his intention, she should just mind her business but definitely avoid being around him alone (assumptions never help). Or even still, instead of the avoiding crap, respectfully tell him that what he says and how he behaves makes her uncomfortable...

    Priceless = "Then add some drama by telling him that she is grateful to God that men like him that fear God still exist."

  17. Sometimes, silence is not just golden but, awesome.

  18. Awesome advice! I love that you told her it was time to play dumb! Hilarious and true!

  19. @NGH: My dear, i didn't even think about that o! If she is interested, believe me she hid it quite well. The guy was giving her money because..well...she is his sister in law and she is a student. She really wanted me to like tell her to go 'Comando' on the guy and i was like "Girl, if you are just speculating, cool down. Some guys are terrible sha! Impregnating your own wife's sister! You are right. The ball is really in her court. I haven't seen her since then to know how far. Thanks for your comment dear. It made me think and laugh!

  20. @Carma: He might just be a generous person you know but it is still suspicious and maybe she should just stop taking it. Thanks for the comment.

    @ShadeNonConformist: Thanks for the comment. I thought so too. What if he is just a harmless flirt? It is dangerous though so i agree with you.
    Don't know how i came up with that line. Thanks.

  21. @rethots: Totally agree with you. I love the quote too. Thanks for the comment.

    @Climb@Nowhere: Glad you thought i gave her good advice. Just wanted her to be sure about the whole thing.Thanks for the comment.

  22. Thanks :)
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  23. Good advice lily but i think she should move out o. that kind man would one day force himself on her and then it will really be a tale. Because she is being calm about things, a man in that state of mind will think its a silent encouragement. She has a few options her. Warn him big time and move back home or avoid him at all cost and move in her sister's shadows so he barely has her alone. wickedness of (some) men i tell ya!


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