Saturday, October 23, 2010

Time to play dumb.

A lady that I see around walked up to me some days ago and told me that she needed my advice. I was surprised because I really didn't think that she would want to confide in me. She had this 'air' about her like she had all she needed.And she could afford a counsellor or something if she needed any help. Bottom line: She came to me and I was in for more surprises.

Pam{not her real name} told me that her step-sister's husband was giving her the 'eye'. (Jeez! It was weird enough that she came to me for advice and this?!)

Her step-sister was a very religious person and didn't believe that her equally religious husband could kill an ant. The guy appeared so. They lived in peace and harmony. The woman was a school teacher and The man worked in a bank.They had two beautiful boys. Pam had to stay at her step-sister's home every weekend to attend school because it was closer. The man would give her money, smile suggestively at her and throw compliments at her like it was going out of fashion when his wife wasn't within an ear shot. So she didn't know if it was okay to tell her sister that her husband had a roving eye. She wanted to know what I thought.

I had one question for her.

Lily: Has this man ever told you in clear words that he would want an intimate relationship with you?

Pam: (raises an eyebrow) Are you kidding me? What does that have to do with anything?

Lily: Answer my question Pam.

Pam: No. No he hasn't yet.

Lily: Do you still want my advice?

Pam: Obviously.

Lily: I believe that you are an incredibly smart woman but my dear, it is time to play dumb.

People, we know that issues like this are very sensitive. One has to be very careful who he/she talks to about it which is why I think Pam chose me because I barely knew her and would probably never know the people involved. Yes, I said she should play dumb. It would be better for everyone if Pam acted like she didn't understand what the man had in mind.

I think the only time she should act is when the man uses WORDS to explain his motives. A lot of people are already dealing with issues of husbands going out with their wives's sisters. The man said the word, the stupid sister agreed and together, they defiled the matrimonial bed of a woman who is clueless about what was going on and trusted them both. Now that is a huge problem.

I believe since he is just smiling suggestively and telling her how hot she looked, she should just act like it didn't mean anything. And avoid him like a plague. And she shouldn't tell anyone just yet. What good would that do? It is always a lose/lose situation for everyone. Yes, the woman confronts her husband and most times it doesn't end well, they go their separate ways. Then she is given a medal? No. Things would never be the same. Especially between she and her sister so if she is going to go down that road, let her at least have something serious on her hands.

Besides the guy could deny it and ask the crucial question, "Did i ask you out?". The answer would be no of course which is the truth.

When discussions of adulterous men come up and he is in the room, she should express her disgust in colourful language about men that cheat on their wives and preach a little too. And make it clear that she would never date a married man and help him cheat on his wife. Then add some drama by telling him that she is grateful to God that men like him that feared God still existed.

Pam laughed and told me she was glad she talked to me. She agreed with me.

Now I want to know what you guys think. And don't hold anything back.

May you all have the wisdom to deal with all the situations you find yourselves in this crazy, crazy world.

Lily Johnson

Monday, October 18, 2010

Crazy Moments

Crazy moments. We all have them. Right? Those moments that you totally eff up or something bizarre happens to you. Could be a mistake on your part or maybe fate was just having a good time messing with you. And grinning something fierce.

A girl recorded her most embarrasing moment to be the day she was studying in a library packed with all kinds of people; old, young, geeks and stalkers. Then it got a bit hot. She was wearing a tank under her sweater so she decided to take the sweater off but unfortunately, she took the tank off too. So she was in this library packed with all kinds of people in her old lacy bra and all kinds of eyes were starring at her. She tried to put the sweater back on but you girls know that the hardest part of wearing a tight piece of clothing is actually putting it on.

A word here.

In situations like this, darlings, there is no winning formula or anything you can do to make the situation better than it is. And please, do not expect anyone to do anything to make you feel better either. They could try and fail and you would feel worse off. So this is the time to visit the only person that can actually do something that might work; you!

Now, do not make eye contact with anyone immediately something very embarrasing happens to you. Trust me, you might make eye contact with an elephant who in my opinion, has eyes that ooz care and pity, and see 10 shades of mockery. You have less than two minutes to stare and not see anything and to brace yourself. During this time, your thoughts should bother on things like this:

I am afterall human.
This will eventually belong to the past.
Everybody faces terrible moments once in a while and erm.. the lady that is chuckling there if you haven't, I hope you trip and fall.
And yes people, this isn't going to change the fact that I am a fabulous person with a great personality.

Then you pick yourself up (and your sweater) and apologise if you have to.

One evening, I was in a hurry to go see my favourite aunt. I was wearing flats and when I was about to cross the road, bam! I fell on one knee by the side of the road with the bags i was carrying. A fall that was anything but graceful. I was wearing a sweet top and skinny jeans. I looked good! I was up in a split second because it was a busy road and it was a miracle that I wasn't hit by a bike. What did I do? I just crossed the road and kept walking. The people that saw me didn't laugh. Infact, they looked surprised. Though I am still not sure if it was because I actually fell and it wasn't like anyone pushed me or because of the Robocop moves after it.

Get over it dear. Even stars and celebrities are having their fair share of embarrasing moments and the whole world gets to 'google it', watch it on YouTube and E!. Do you envy them now? And jeez! it is like Fate was having a drink with his best pal and had an epiphany "Lets just make them trip and fall on stage!"
Best pal: "Who?"
Fate: "Uuh! Singers."
Best pal: "Oh!" (he is already well acquinted with his jokes and sometimes doesn't find them funny)
Fate: "They'd be performing on stage as usual and bam! they fall." (Laughs hysterically)
Best pal: "Oh!" (Lets face it. What can he really say to change his mind?)
Fate: "The female singers. The best of them. They already have everything they want so...."
Best pal: "Oh!"
Fate: "Lets face it. They should know that a day like that would come with all those sky high shoes they wear. What is it called again? Pumps right? And they dare to dance in them?" Puts hand on Best pal's mouth. "One more Oh! and I will......"

Have yourselves a great week!

Lily Johnson

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Random thoughts and so on..

I just had my first body scrub at home and ever. Eww! Right? Well, I love experimenting with beauty products and just love make up and stuff but somehow, all these years, I just hadn’t gotten around to scrubbing my entire body. I see body scrubs displayed when I go shopping but it just never occurred to me. I don’t even know why it did this time. I read in a blog about home made beauty stuff on how to make your very own body scrub and I tried it out. So I mixed sugar, honey, olive oil and coconut oil (The last wasn’t on the list but I saw my bottle of coconut oil and figured, what the hell) and I converted our small bathroom into a steam bath by covering the only window with a thick towel and placing a bucket of boiling water in the middle while I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. Wasn’t easy at all but the result was marvelous! My skin feels soft and smooth. I didn’t use the mixture on my face though.

I just finished watching Spartacus: blood and sand and was like wow! It was really terrible back then in Rome. And I liked Andy Whitfield, Spartacus himself. He is gorgeous! Then I found out that he had cancer and might not be available for the much awaited season 2. What!? I was hurt. Why did that have to happen? I wish him all the luck in the world that would put him among strong cancer survivors that are living to tell the story. He would forever be the only Spartacus I know. The real champion of Capua. Even if they get Brad Pitt to replace him. (I loved him in Troy though)

People are just gaga about this corn rows! I get compliments everywhere I go. To think that I didn’t even tell my hair dresser anything. I just sat down on her chair and said, ‘I trust you would make me look good’. And voila! She made me look wonderful.

Why on earth am I suddenly having a crush on Usher? I mean come on! I am a grown woman and I shouldn’t still be having crushes. I absolutely adore his new tracks: OMG, There goes my baby and others that I don’t even know their titles. He seems all grown up to me now. And quite appealing.


It is taking me ages to finish my nameless novel. It is a story about a girl that got married to this US based guy only to find out that the guy’s ex who was an older woman was still hung up on him though the guy had told her it was over. The infuriated woman began to wreck havoc on the young man spiritually and it turned into a series of events that was as shocking as it was intriguing. I hope I finish it soon. It is not easy to be a writer at all. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, stare at my writings and feel like weeping. I submitted a short story to one African magazine website and was told that everyone was running to witches and herbalists for the solution to their problems. I looked down at the editor’s name at the bottom of the e mail and he was from my side of Nigeria though he and his company are based in the UK. When a person is terribly sick here and the doctors have done everything they can but to no avail, the people are advised to seek other means and since this is Africa, we go back to our roots. My story was even set in a village and yet I was told that by a fellow country man. Thank God I have been published by a well known soft sell magazine before. I would have thought I was a hopeless writer. Anyways, I hope to finish my book.

I got to wear dresses and skirts more often. All I wear is jeans trousers. Except when I am going to church. I have beautiful tops and shirts and stuff that I pair with my jeans. I think people are beginning to think that something might be wrong with my legs and I do have great legs. I just like being comfortable. In Lagos, you have to take bikes to your destinations and I don’t want to be giving people free ‘peep shows’ each time I get on and off a bike. Still, I should get dresses and shoes to match and take a cab throughout the day. (The hole in my pocket would be the size of a small country and I hate being in traffic when I am in a hurry but I would try)

To those of you that followed me back, thanks! You guys are just cool.

Enjoy the rest of the week guys!

Lily Johnson.

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Friday, October 8, 2010

Be the man!

I was chatting to a friend last night and he said things that got me thinking. And royally pissed. I have known this guy for quite a while and he lives somewhere in the Uk or wherever and the issue was about relationships.

Why on earth would a man see a woman, fancy her and then expect her to make the first move? Like just sit down there and expect her to be the one to come over and say ‘Hey, can I join you?’ or ‘Hi, my name is Lily and I kinda think you are cute’. It is different if the woman is the one that fancies the guy and he hasn’t even noticed her so she tries to make him see her. That is acceptable. What I am talking about is a guy ogling at you at a restaurant and smiling in that ‘come on’ way and just when you are expecting that he would leave his ego beside his plate of chicken and chips and ask to join you, he doesn’t!

Then he leaves the restaurant still starring at you and smiling in a way that seems to say ‘you don’t know what you are missing babe’. Then of course, the best of us would want to hurl our bowl of chocolate ice cream at him.

Some men are so full of themselves; they don’t think they should be the one to approach a woman and try to woo her. They just feel a nod, a smile or a wink should tell you they are interested and a cue for you to come running to them. It doesn’t stop there. This guy gives you his number and tells you he would call but never does. And when you run into him again and asks why he didn’t call, he would ask you the same question. Like are you kidding me?!

I know some women do not see any thing wrong if you fancy a guy and even though you know he might be interested and not making the first move, you should do it. Anything that works for you girl. But I think that there is some respect that we so deserve accorded to us when a man walks up to you and tries to be friends and you know what is at the back of his mind. It also makes him a gentleman.

This friend of mine happens to be one of these guys. Terrible.

We deserve gentlemen who would buy us flowers, open doors for us and be generally polite.

Have yourselves a fun filled weekend.

Lily Johnson.

Monday, October 4, 2010

What ever happened to love letters?

Those were the good old days. When romance was traditional but colourful. When men still wrote poems and love songs to impress and win the hearts of the women of their dreams.

Love letters were such a huge thing then. I remember how older girls opened envelopes to reveal perfumed papers in different bright colours and giggled endlessly jumping up and down their beds in excitement. You could see the effort put into writing the letter. The handwriting would be so beautiful and the words, very touching.

When the girls replied, of course it involved some drama. I knew one particular girl that ended her letters with an imprint of her lipsticked lips. Then she would write, "Kiss me".

I received a number of love letters in my early teenage years. All I did was laugh. What did I know? I didn't understand why anyone would call me 'the sugar in their tea' and 'the rose in their garden'.

I think when a person writes by himself, he gives a part of himself and a degree of passion is involved. As a writer, I write in long hand and I write using my laptop too and it is slightly different when I stare at my own writing as I write.

I guess typing away on the phone to send messages and the computer to send emails have replaced the art of writing love letters in long hand.

I miss those days though.

Read this beautiful piece and tell me what you think.

I Love You

Just three little words don't seem like enough for someone whose smile still brightens my day,

whose touch can makes me forget the rest of the world.

They don't seem like enough for someone who's always been there to celebrate with me

when everything goes my way and to hold my hand when my whole world seems to fall apart.

But even though "I Love You" can't express the depth of my feelings for you.

I hope you know what's in my heart.

Because loving you means more to me than anything in the world and it always will.

Wishing you all the best.

Lily Johnson

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