My lovely niece and some...

Hey dearies! Yes I haven’t been here for a rather long while and it is because of various reasons. Anyway, I am a proud aunt now. My younger sister had a beautiful baby girl last month and omg she is so adorable. Especially when she isn’t hungry or her diaper isn’t wet because then she would cry like crazy, kick and scratch. Lol. Her name is Onyinye but I call her Chyna.

Being a mother is hard work. Being a good mother is a lot of hard work. Being a poor mother is a nightmare.

Motherhood. Most mothers can’t tell you enough how it’s a beautiful thing to have a person grow inside you and you get to give birth to him/her, watch him/her grow, call you ‘mummy’ etc. Yeah, it must be and I can’t wait really. But most mothers will also tell that these lovely kids are only adorable until they grow up, have their own opinions [often different from theirs] and want their freedom [they eventually get this]. We all can relate to this and it isn’t always totally bad because some of us still love and respect our mothers though we aint that ‘adorable child’ no more.

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Being a mother is hard work. From taking care of the child when he/she was little to still advising him/her and helping them make decisions. Being a good mother is a lot of hard work. You have to always take your stance on what you know is the right thing. This is far from easy especially when you are dealing with young adults experimenting with everything they can lay their hands on from drugs and alcohol to friends. It is a constant battle if you have stubborn children.

Being a poor mother, [financially challenged] is got to be the worst thing ever especially when you still want to be a good mother. I will give you my reasons with some examples.

Imagine a widow who had lost her job and was finding it hard to pay her daughter’s fees in the university. She literally doesn’t have anyone helping her. She does petty stuff to provide food for the house but tuition fees, books and hostel fees of a university student is quite hard for her to provide. So her daughter began to bring home gifts and large sums of money that paid her tuition fees and settled all her debts in school and settled the home front. This took a lot of pressure off her. The provider was a married man old enough to be the father of her 18 yr old daughter. This came when the school nearly stopped her daughter from writing relevant tests because she hadn’t paid her school fees. So when this man who she had met through a friend offered to pay her fees, she didn’t have choice but to jump on it. The gifts kept coming; expensive clothes and shoes, gadgets and more money. Her daughter, who hardly had clothes on her back when she got admission into the school, was now an IT girl.

Get off your high horse and reach out!

Some of us tend to be wrapped in our own world with our jobs and rather busy schedules that we tend to forget our family and true friends. No calls. No text messages. Nothing. We leave all that for them to do because we are too busy to. It is only sensible and mature to try to create time for your loved ones despite what you might be going through.

Individual A: He loves his family and close friends but scarcely has the time to reach out to them because he is wrapped up in this time and energy consuming project. However, when they call, text or ping him, he would reply. But he won’t do that first though because he is too busy to. If they don’t, then oh well! He may not reply your message in two days. And when he does, he acts like you didn’t send him any message at all. You should know he is a very busy person.

Yeah, you look cool in your suit and all. Be civil while at it

Lily to Individual A: Good day sir. I understand your situation. You are a very hard working person. Can you devote 10 minutes out of 24 hours to talk with your family. Not every day of course but maybe once a week. When you are in the rest room doing your business, could you reply your pings and return last year’s Xmas greetings? Could you apologise for not being in touch for a while? We understand you are busy. Be civil while at it. Stop making your family and friends feel they are disturbing you each time they want to make a call or send you a message to just to know how you are fairing.

The Mother, You and the Balance

Okay, this is a very sensitive subject but I am going to talk about it. Some of you might think it isn’t that important especially if you and your partner decided a long time ago to exclude all other members of your families in your affairs. But if not, you would definitely understand and appreciate what I am about to talk about.

You meet a guy; start dating then it develops into a relationship. If things are really good that is if your guys are compatible, really understand and make each other happy, then marriage would be considered. Then of course, you will have to meet each other’s families.

Your man already has a way he relates with his parents. You are expected to either try as hard as you can to please them or be your very self. In any case, the latter would prevail.

Now, just as you and your man have your disagreements, occasional shouting matches and different opinions and beliefs, so have he and his mother. So there would be disagreements once in a while between them.

If you occasional go to your man’s folks when you are having conflicts with him and they have been able to call him to order each time, you develop a deep sense of respect and admiration for them even without knowing it,.

Now, what happens when your man and his folks especially his mother fall out and his mother tells you about it? This may seem very easy to answer and even handle right? You just talk to your man and of course, he would listen to you, apologise to his mum and you all lived happily ever after. Very possible especially if he was wrong. But what if he wasn’t? What if his mother should be the one to apologise and not the other way round even though she is seriously expecting it? And expecting you to talk some sense into him to do the right thing? Oh no!

You are just standing there, wondering what to do because it isn’t about taking sides but being as sensible, practical and unbiased as you can be. And trust me, it is difficult.

One wrong statement could destroy the good relations you have with your mother in-law (or to-be) and could also bring serious conflict between you and your man. And of course, if you are too hard on your man, you might be surprised to get a negative reaction from his mother and vice versa!

So what do you do for crying out loud? I am not a pro but listen to these do and don’ts.

1. If you want to say “You are wrong” or “You shouldn’t have done that” to his folks, put it mildly and never raise your voice. Even if your man is there fuming and shouting the house down

2. When your man is having a fight with his mother, always remind him that the woman is his mother for crying out loud and he shouldn’t shout at her or disrespect her even he feels she deserves it. Never support that and trust me, he doesn’t want you to.

3. If you were rather unfortunate to be there during a shouting session between them, apologise to the mother and ask your man to be quiet and allow her to calm down so they could talk reasonably.

4. If the situation gets out of hand and your man heads for the car, tell the woman how sorry you are for everything before running after Mr. “I’m outta here.”

5. When the older woman is so hurt she is like, “I won’t forgive him for this”, please don’t get overly defensive. Just apologise on your man’s behalf and remind her that he is her beloved son.

6. Unless you are invited to air your views, stay away from rather touchy family subjects.

7. Be nice, be respectful, be tactful and of course be yourself.

My strong African values may have influenced my opinions but hey, you can’t go wrong if you try your best to hang in the balance, give respect to who it is due and say the right words at the right time when you can.

Do stay out of trouble and be good.

Lily Johnson.

Pictures by istockphoto.com